i almost got expelled for writing this

i can't think of a better story to start my new substack.

I took a literary humor writing elective in college. We were assigned 1,000 new words each class and seeing that most people couldn’t write a single joke, the prompts were open: Write anything—as long as it’s funny. Give an effort, show competence, and the A+ is yours. Sounds easy, right? Well that’s all you gotta tell me to make matters as hard as possible for absolutely no reason at all.

Early into the semester, I took it upon myself (as a personal challenge completely unrelated to the coursework) to write the most transgressive piece of comedy imaginable. I believed literary humor like any art form deserves to use every part of the buffalo and I wanted to prove that you could create something using the hooves, penis, whatever. And like the old saying goes, “Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.”

The following was my best attempt to see a collegiate audience finally admit, most likely through involuntary laughter, that something could be terrible and funny at the same time. The following was delivered to the student conduct department of my school where I was called down for a meeting to explain myself. The following was read aloud before a conduct officer who was, luckily, amused and saved my ass from the trouble my ass got itself into in the first place. The following is buffalo dick.

The New Kid

(by a 22 year old Robert Criss)

Students rush the door of Ms. Hannover’s popular 5th grade language arts class. The new kid shyly walks in behind them. His stomach turns as the school bell rings for class to begin.

“Class. Class! Settle down. We have a new student joining us today. His name is Benjamin Dover. Can you give him a warm welcome?” says Ms. Hannover.

“Hello Benjamin,” drones the class in unison. 

“Hi,” says Ben meekly. He walks to an empty chair in the back of the room.

“Now let's settle in, all right? Today, we will continue with our reading of Marquis De Sade’s Salo or The 120 Days of Sodom,” says Ms. Hannover.

The class cheers. Boys hi-five each other and the girls smile at each other, getting out their favorite gel pens. The celebration scares Ben. He doesn’t know what any of that means! It’s his first day for pete’s sake! Ms. Hannover, breaking up a forming conga-line, notices Ben’s discomfort.

“Take your seats. Class, please settle down. Okay. Now. Who can explain how we do our popcorn readings to Benjamin?” asked Ms. Hannover. The whole class raises their hands. Popcorn reading was the reason why Ms. Hannover was everyone’s favorite!

“Oh! Oh!” yells a boy.

“Pick me, pick me,” yells another, slapping the first boy’s hand down. They slap-fight.

“Michael,” says Ms. Hannover. The class exhales. 

“Okay so um basically we go around the room and basically, like, I’ll read part of it, uh, the book, um, a hundred days of sodom or whatever and then I choose someone to read next and continue by saying ‘popcorn’ and then their name. So I’ll be like ‘popcorn Jake’ and then Jake would read the next part and we keep going,” says Michael. That sounds like fun but I’m afraid to read Benjamin thinks.

“Thanks for the shoutout, Mikey,” says Jake.

“Sho’nuff,” says Michael.

“That’s great Michael but I think you’re missing something,” says Ms. Hannover. “It’s one hundred twenty days of sodom. Don’t forget that last 20 days of sodomy for the test Friday.” The class quickly writes down the note. Benjamin looks around, confused. They didn’t have tests in his old school! He doesn’t even have the book! It was his first day for crying out loud!

“Okay, class be sure to annotate and follow along. Benjamin you may use my copy. Today we’ll start with Day 50 of the 120 days. I’ll turn it over to Isabel,” says Ms. Hannover. Isabel smiles getting comfortable in her chair. Benjamin flips pages desperately looking for the chapter. 

“Thank you, Ms. Hannover,” says Isabel, removing her Hello Kitty bookmark and placing her pointer finger under the line where the class left off. 

“Ahem–The Duc De Florvil wishes to have the corpse of a beautiful and recently murdered girl placed upon a bed covered in black satin; he fondles the body explores its every nook and cranny, and embuggers it. Another individual requires two corpses, those of a boy and a girl, and he embuggers the youth’s dead body while kissing the buttocks of the girl’s and driving his tongue into its anus. Popcorn...” says Isabel happily. 

Her classmates beg to read next. Benjamin raises his hand timidly, trying his best to fit in. 

“Me, me, me,” says Zachary P. waving his hand frantically. 

“Isabel, over here. It’s me Sasha. Your best friend,” says Sasha.

“C’mon, I never get to go,” says Joseph, leaning over his desk into her line of sight.

“Popcorn Joseph,” says Isabel. The class exhales. 

“Yes! Sweet! Finally! Okay, um, He receives the girl in a small room filled with the most convincing wax representations of dead bodies, they are all pierced in various ways. He recommends that the girl make her choice, saying he intends to kill her in whatever way she prefers, inviting her to close the corpse whose wounds please her most. He binds her to an authentic corpse, knee to knee, mouth to mouth, and flogs her until the back of her body is covered with blood,” says Joseph, satisfied. “Popcorn…”

“Pick me! Please,” begs Lucas.

“Over here,” screams Maxwell.

“Oh, oh. Plehehehehease!” wails Tyler W.

“Popcorn Amir,” says Joseph, snickering.

“I didn’t have hand up,” says Amir. The whole class, except Benjamin, laughs. They know Amir couldn’t read well. Amir was the foreign kid from who-knows-where. 

“Try your best, Amare,” Ms. Hannover encourages. “Just do a sentence and then you can popcorn someone. Or just a few words. Your broken English will do just fine.”

“This is terrible book,” says Amir grimly. Benjamin was feeling bad for Amir. He must know what it’s like to be different and new!

“Now Amayor, what did I tell you about resisting to speak our beautiful language?” says Ms. Hannover.

“I have no choice in matter,” says Amir.

“That’s right,” says Ms. Hannover. “Now do I have to get custodian Rick or are you going to take your turn?” 

“Please, no, Rick. I read, I read,” says Amir, almost tearing up. “...Z...Zelmire’s...ass...is made the evening’s treat...b-b-but...before being....served up…”

The classroom fills with muffled laughter. Does he even eat popcorn? they whisper. Probably not. Amir’s eyes well up with tears. 

“I-I can help him,” says Benjamin, standing up. The class turns around like a pack of unfed hell dogs smelling raw steak. The new kid speaks up!

“Go on,” beckons Ms. Hannover.

“Okay,” says Benjamin, gulping. “He lowers her into a very deep well and shouts down after her that he is going to fill it with large stones; he flings in a few clods of earth to frighten her, and discharges into the well, his seed landing on the nake whore’s head.”

“Continue with the scripture,” says Ms. Hannover, her voice lowering and eyes whitening like a Delphian oracle. The sunny classroom scene is darkly altered by the sun’s sudden eclipse. 

“He has her swallow a drug which unhinges her imagination and causes her to see horrible things in the room. She fancies the room is being flooded, sees the water rise, climbs upon a chair, but still the water mounts, reaches her, and she is told that she has no alternative but to swim. He holds her suspended by a rope. He frigs himself and threatens to sever the rope as he discharges. While all this is afoot he is being flogged, and earlier he induces the whore to shit for him. ” 

The school bell rings. The sunny day is instantly restored. The kids skip and jog to the door for recess.

“And that’s where we’ll leave off for next time,” says Ms. Hannover. “Looks like we have a rockstar reader!” says Ms. Hannover adding a gold star sticker to Benjamin’s name on the gold star chart. His first gold star! Nine more and Benjamin could have a pizza party!

“Thank you Missus Hannover, ” says Benjamin with a sigh of relief.

“Oh honey, I’m not married. I’ve never been with a human man,” says Ms. Hannover. 

“O-Okay,” says Benjamin. Ms. Hannover was so funny sometimes!

“Thank you for rescue,” says Amir. 

“No problemo, chief,” says Benjamin, trying out some new slang. 

“This country is hellscape with no exit,” says Amir. “I am no chief. I am deeply studied in several languages by better education system.”

“You know what I think?” says Benjamin. “I think we’re gonna be friends.”